Your cousin’s wedding invitation has been on the fridge since the end of August, propped in front of its envelope. The reply card hasn’t gone back. The wedding is two hours away on a Saturday, and your father can’t be on his own overnight.
You’d like to go. You haven’t told anyone, because you can’t see how you’d go.
Going to the wedding can be part of your father’s care plan, the same way his appointments are: a date on the calendar, someone covering, and a note on the counter. This guide covers who can step in, where to ask, what it costs, and what to leave behind.
Is it normal to feel guilty for wanting a break from caregiving?
Yes, and research on why caregivers skip respite names shame about handing off care, alongside lack of trust, worry about quality, hard applications, and programs that don’t fit.
In the 2025 Caregiving in the US study by AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving, 39 percent of caregivers said respite care would be helpful, but only 13 percent had used it.
A nap in the car in the grocery store parking lot counts as a break.
What respite options let me take a break safely?
The main options are a friend or relative for a few hours, an adult day program, a paid carer at home, and a short stay in a care home. Each one is respite care: someone else looks after your parent while you take a break.
| Type of respite | Good for | Who provides it | Who pays |
|---|---|---|---|
| Help from someone you know | An hour to a day | A friend, a relative, someone next door, or a volunteer | May cost nothing |
| In-home respite care | An afternoon to a few days, when your parent is most settled at home | A paid aide or a volunteer sitter, through a respite program or a home care agency | Paid by the hour; some public programs cover it |
| Adult day program | Regular daytime breaks on the same days each week | An adult day center near your parent, some run by charities | A daily fee; some public programs help pay |
| Overnight or weekend respite | A night or a weekend away | A relative who stays over, a paid overnight carer, or an overnight respite bed | May cost nothing from family; paid carers and respite beds charge |
| A short stay in a care home | A week or more away | A long-term care home or hospice, arranged through the public program | Room and board, or a daily charge; Ontario allows up to 60 days a stay; Medicare pays in hospice, or through its GUIDE dementia program |
How can I get respite care from people I know?
Respite care can come from people you already know: another caregiver, someone from your parent’s place of worship, a teenager in the family, or a volunteer. The National Institute on Aging notes that family, friends, or volunteers can step in, and that their help may cost nothing.
Ideas to try:
- Trade afternoons with another caregiver. If someone in your support group or down the street is caring for a parent too, offer a swap: you sit with their mother on the first Saturday of the month, and they sit with your father on the third.
- Ask for one standing visit. Someone who already drops by may take the same afternoon every week. Ask whether Tuesdays from two to five would work for them.
- Pay a teenager in the family for an afternoon a week. Company, lunch, and the cricket on TV. Keep the visit to hours when no medicine is due.
- Book one night before a whole weekend. A relative or a friend stays over, and you’re home by breakfast. The next morning, ask whoever stayed over what they needed that wasn’t in the care briefing.
How to ask someone to cover
Ask one person to cover a specific time, and tell them what’s involved.
The script for asking:
Could you sit with Dad on Saturday the 18th, from one to five?
His pills for that day are already in the box, and he’ll want the radio on for the afternoon news.
I’ll leave a note with everything else, and I’ll have my phone.
Start with the person who has already said “call me if you need anything.” A brother or sister who lives far away can still cover you: long-distance caregiving suggests they stay with your parent for a few days, or arrange and pay for respite care.
If there’s nobody to ask, go to the “Where to ask for respite care” table below. A volunteer visitor or a sitting service is someone whose job is to sit with your parent.
How do I find a respite program I can trust?
Start with the public respite program where your parent lives, listed in the table below. Then ask the provider how it screens and trains its workers and handles emergencies, and check references before the first visit.
If you’d like someone to come to your parent’s home, ask for “in-home respite care.” It’s the term programs and agencies use.
Ask for regular hours too, like every Tuesday afternoon or one weekend each season. Ask how long the wait is, so you can book ahead, and ask the program to help you with the application. Start it before you need the break.
Where to ask for respite care
| Where your parent lives | Who to ask | What they offer |
|---|---|---|
| US | The Area Agency on Aging, through the Eldercare Locator (1‑800‑677‑1116), or the ARCH National Respite Locator | Respite through the National Family Caregiver Support Program, for caregivers of someone 60 or older or of anyone with dementia; ARCH lists respite services by state |
| US, if your parent has chosen hospice care | The hospice team, under Medicare’s hospice benefit | Short inpatient respite stays, up to five days at a time |
| US, if your parent is a veteran | VA Respite Care, through the VA social worker or case manager | A paid aide at home, adult day health care, or a short nursing home stay; a copay may apply |
| US, in a state with a respite voucher program | Your state’s Lifespan Respite or respite voucher program (the ARCH National Respite Network lists about 25 states) | Money to pay for respite you arrange yourself; each state sets its own eligibility |
| US, if your parent has dementia | The Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline, 800‑272‑3900 | Help with respite care and funding options, and finding local programs, around the clock |
| US or Canada, if your parent has dementia and lives with you | Hilarity for Charity respite grants | 100 hours of in-home respite within 3 months, or 24 days at an adult day center; no cash, for caregivers facing hardship |
| US, for a volunteer companion | The AmeriCorps Seniors Senior Companion Program near you | Volunteers 55 and older who keep your parent company and give you a break |
| US, for an adult day center | The National Adult Day Services Association locator | Member day centers by city, ZIP, or state |
| California | Your Caregiver Resource Center (11 across the state) | Financial help for short substitute care: in-home, adult day, or a weekend |
| Ontario | Ontario Health atHome, 1‑833‑515‑1234 | Respite at home, adult day programs, and long-term care stays of up to 60 days at a time |
| Ontario, for a referral | The Ontario Caregiver Helpline, 1‑833‑416‑2273 | 24/7 referrals to respite and programs near you |
| British Columbia | The home and community care office of your parent’s health authority, or a referral from a health care professional | Home support, adult day services, or a short stay in a long-term care home or hospice; rates depend on the type |
| Alberta | Home Care, through a Home Care Case Manager | Overnight respite in continuing care; fees vary by site |
| Quebec | The regional health establishment’s intake service (free), or L’Appui’s caregiver helpline, 1‑855‑852‑7784 | Referrals to home support; Baluchon répit long terme offers 4 to 14 days of respite at home, around the clock |
| Nova Scotia | Continuing Care, 1‑800‑225‑7225 | A respite bed in a licensed long-term care home, up to 60 days a year; there’s a standard charge, with a reduced rate available through an income assessment |
| Other provinces and territories | 211 | Respite services near your parent |
| Canada, if your parent has dementia | Your local Alzheimer Society | In-home respite programs, and where to find day programs and respite beds near you |
| Where VON operates | VON Canada | In-home adult respite, adult day programs, overnight or weekend respite, and up to 14 days at a local retirement home |
| Canada, if your parent is a veteran | Veterans Affairs Canada, 1‑866‑522‑2122 | May add to provincial respite, including a short stay in a care facility so you can take a vacation |
| England | Your parent’s council, for a free carer’s assessment | Day care, a paid carer at home, a sitting service, or a short care-home stay; some services are free |
| Wales | Your parent’s council, for a carer’s needs assessment | Breaks such as respite care, if you’re eligible |
| Wales, for a funded break | Carers Trust Wales, for the Short Breaks Scheme | A short, funded break away from caring |
| Scotland | The local social work service, for an Adult Carer Support Plan, which must consider short breaks | Overnight breaks, short holidays, or an hour a week |
| Scotland, for a grant | Your local carers centre, for a Time to Live grant | Small grants for a short break, funded by the Scottish Government |
| Northern Ireland | The carer co-ordinator at your parent’s Health and Social Care Trust | Day centre visits or a short stay in a care home |
| UK | Your local carer service (Carers Trust’s network of 130+ across England, Scotland, and Wales) | Help arranging a break, and sitting services that are often free or a small charge |
| UK | Your local Age UK, or the Advice Line 0800 678 1602 | Sitting services and respite centres; usually a charge |
| UK | Your local Shared Lives scheme (150 across the UK) | Short visits or stays with an approved Shared Lives carer |
| UK, if you or your parent is 18+ | Revitalise | Grants: typically £500 for a respite break, up to £100 for respite at home |
| UK, if your parent has dementia | The Alzheimer’s Society Dementia Support Line, 0333 150 3456 | Advice on day care, supported holidays, and other respite |
This is a summary. Programs and costs differ by state, province, and nation, and change over time, so check with the program where your parent lives.
For help beyond respite, like meals, home care, or rides, see help for the elderly at home.
How to check a respite provider
Research cited in the 2025 Caregiving in the US report names lack of trust and uncertainty about the quality of respite services as reasons caregivers hold back. The ARCH National Respite Network, a US nonprofit, suggests questions like these before you choose a provider.
Questions to ask an agency or day program:
How do you choose and train your workers?
Do you run background checks?
What can the worker do, and can they help with Dad’s medicines?
Will they keep Dad company with things he enjoys, like cards or a walk?
What happens in an emergency, or if there’s a problem?
What are your fees, and how are they paid?
Can I speak to a family who uses you?
If you hire someone yourself, interview them in person, check their references, and ask for a background check. If they’ll drive your parent, check their driver’s license. Put what you agree on in writing: the days, the hours, the tasks, and the pay.
Visit an adult day program before your parent’s first day. Look at how clean it is and what people are doing. If your parent bristles at the idea, call it the Thursday outing and go along the first time.
Who pays for respite care?
Help from friends, family, or volunteers may cost nothing, professional services charge by the hour or by the day, and public programs pay part of the cost in each country.
In the US, the National Family Caregiver Support Program funds some respite through the Area Agency on Aging. Medicare pays for respite in two cases. Its hospice benefit, for someone who has chosen hospice care (comfort care for someone a doctor expects to live six months or less), covers most of the cost of a stay of up to five days at a time in a Medicare-approved hospice inpatient facility, hospital, or nursing home, occasionally more than once, and you may pay 5% of the Medicare-approved amount. Medicare’s GUIDE program for people with dementia on Original Medicare can pay for respite at home, at an adult day center, or in a facility, up to $2,625 a year in 2026. Medicaid may also help pay. Most private health insurance doesn’t cover respite, but some long-term care insurance plans do. For a veteran, VA respite may have a copay.
In Canada, respite at home is fully covered in Ontario if your parent qualifies through Ontario Health atHome, and for a long-term care stay you pay for room and board. In BC, rates depend on the type of respite, like home support or a short stay. In Alberta, fees vary by site, and seniors may submit receipts to Alberta Seniors Benefits. In Nova Scotia, there’s a standard charge for a respite bed, with a reduced rate if you apply through an income assessment.
In the UK, the council may pay for breaks after a carer’s assessment, and some respite services are free.
This is a summary. Costs and eligibility change, so ask the program where your parent lives what you’d pay.
How do I make sure my parent is okay while I’m away?
Leave a care briefing for the person covering, with your parent’s medicines, meals, routine, and phone numbers, and agree with them on one time each day to check in.
If you use Elderella, Ella puts a care briefing together for you from everything you’ve added there: medications, notes, and appointments, plus your answers to the “One thing from me” questions on your parent’s home screen, which add their routine, what comforts them, and how they communicate. Start tonight by answering the “One thing from me” question, if one is waiting.
Get Elderella before your next break, and the care briefing is ready when you are.
If you don’t use Elderella, print and fill in the template below the week before you go.
The care briefing template
Print this template, or copy the headings into a note, and fill in each section for the person covering. The sections match Elderella’s care briefing.
Health conditions
Your parent’s health conditions, and what the person covering should know about each.
Current medications
Each medicine, when it’s taken, and where it’s kept, and anything not to give.
Allergies and vaccines
Allergies to medicines, foods, or anything else, what a reaction looks like, and any recent vaccines.
Daily routine, meals, and sleep
When your parent gets up, naps, and goes to bed, the show they never miss, what’s in the fridge, what they like to eat, and anything they shouldn’t eat.
How they communicate
What your parent likes to be called, the language they speak most easily, their words for pain, the bathroom, and medicine, and anything about hearing, eyesight, or memory.
What works with them
What calms or comforts your parent, what they like to talk about, and what they enjoy doing, like a crossword or a walk to the corner.
What to watch for
When to call you: a fall, dizziness, not eating, or anything that worries them.
Care team and contacts
Your number, a backup person, the doctor’s office, and anyone else who visits or helps.
Upcoming appointments
Any appointment while you’re away and who’s driving, any errands, and any costs that may come up, like a pharmacy pickup or a taxi, and how to pay them.
Emergency information
In an emergency, call 911 in the US and Canada, or 999 in the UK. Note where the spare key and the thermostat are, and the light switch for the stairs.
Before you go, open Briefings in Elderella on your phone (tap More, then Briefings) and add a “What to Watch For” note for anything every caregiver should keep an eye on. Tap Regenerate so the briefing includes it, then use “Share as PDF” to text or email it, or print it for someone who prefers paper. For someone who’ll help regularly, invite them to your Elderella care team as a Contributor, so they see only what they add and what’s assigned to them.
Agree on one check-in time, like a text at 6pm, so you know how the day went without calling three times.
Practice with shorter breaks before a weekend away, so your parent and the person covering get used to each other while you’re close by:
- Stay in the next room for the first hour.
- Run an errand the next time, with your phone on.
- Take a whole afternoon out.
- Then try one night, with the care briefing on the counter.
Tell your parent about the plan ahead of time: which afternoon, and who’s coming.
In Elderella, add the break as a care event and share it with the person covering, so it’s on their calendar as well as yours. If more than one person can cover, take turns: your sister-in-law every other Sunday afternoon, your father’s friend from the gurdwara on Wednesday evenings.
A backup plan for the day you can’t be there
Plan for the break you don’t choose, too: the day you’re sick, in the hospital, or stuck far from home. Ask one person now if they’d step in at short notice, and make sure they know where the care briefing and the spare key are. Save the number for your parent’s respite program in their phone and yours, and ask the program what it can do in an emergency.
Frequently asked questions
What is respite care?
Respite care is short-term care for your parent that gives you, the family caregiver, a break. The National Institute on Aging says it can last from a few hours to several weeks, at home, in a care facility, or at an adult day center, so you have time to rest, travel, or see family and friends. The person covering can be a friend, a relative, or a volunteer, which may cost nothing, or a paid aide, a day program, or a short stay in a care home. To find respite care, ask the Area Agency on Aging in the US, your parent’s provincial home care program or 211 in Canada, or the council or Health and Social Care Trust in the UK.
How long can respite care last?
Respite care can last from a few hours to several weeks at a time, according to the National Institute on Aging, and public programs set their own limits. In Ontario, a short stay in a long-term care home can last up to 60 days at a time and 90 days in a year. In Nova Scotia, a respite bed is available for up to 60 days a calendar year, with no more than 30 booked between July 1 and October 1. In Quebec, Baluchon répit long terme covers 4 to 14 days at home. For a summer trip or a long stay, ask early, and ask whether the days can be split into shorter blocks.
Does Medicare pay for respite care?
Medicare pays for respite care in two cases. If your parent has chosen hospice care, Medicare covers most of the cost of a respite stay of up to five days at a time in a hospice inpatient facility, hospital, or nursing home, occasionally more than once, and you may pay 5% of the Medicare-approved amount. If your parent has dementia and Original Medicare, Medicare’s GUIDE dementia care program can pay for respite at home, at an adult day center, or in a facility, up to $2,625 a year in 2026, with no coinsurance, for patients with an unpaid primary caregiver who qualify. GUIDE isn’t open to Medicare Advantage or hospice patients. Find a program on the GUIDE participant list from the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services, and ask the Area Agency on Aging (1-800-677-1116) about other help.
Should I choose in-home respite care or an adult day program?
Choose in-home respite care when your parent is most settled at home, needs help getting around, or needs someone overnight, because the person covering comes to them. Choose an adult day program when your parent would enjoy company and activities and can get there, because it gives you the same block of hours on the same days each week. You can combine them: a day program on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and someone at home the evening you’re out. Before you decide, visit the program with your parent, and ask any provider how they handle medicines and emergencies and whether you can speak to a family who uses their services.
What if my parent doesn’t speak English well?
Ask every program and agency whether they have workers who speak your parent’s language, and put the language, and the words your parent uses for pain, the bathroom, and medicine, in the care briefing. A sitter from your parent’s own community or place of worship may be the easiest first cover. The helplines can help in other languages: in the US, the Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline (800-272-3900) works in more than 200 languages through bilingual staff or an interpreter; in Canada, 211 is offered in over 150 languages, and the Ontario Caregiver Helpline (1-833-416-2273) arranges interpretation in 150 languages on request; in the UK, the Alzheimer’s Society Dementia Support Line (0333 150 3456) arranges an interpreter if you say the English word for the language, and has a Welsh line, 03300 947 400.
What if my parent lives in another country?
The programs in this guide are for a parent living in the US, Canada, or the UK. If your parent lives elsewhere, start with the people already around them: a relative who stays over, a trusted person next door, or hired help at home. Write the care briefing in whatever language the person covering reads best. Ask a relative nearby to be your backup for emergencies. Agree on one daily check-in time that works across the time difference. A relative there can join your care team in Elderella, add notes, and see what’s changed, the same as a sibling across town.
Is it normal to resent caregiving?
Resenting caregiving doesn’t make you a bad son, daughter, or partner, and it doesn’t mean you love the person less. Treat it as information. Look at what you resent most, whether it’s the calls at 3am, the insurance paperwork, or never having a Saturday. Start there: that’s the job to hand to someone else, or the break to book first. If the feeling is constant, or it’s turning into anger at your parent, talk to your own doctor or a caregiver support line. In the US, the Eldercare Locator (1-800-677-1116) connects you to your Area Agency on Aging, whose caregiver support program offers counseling and support groups. In Canada, call the Ontario Caregiver Helpline (1-833-416-2273), Family Caregivers of BC (1-877-520-3267) or L’Appui in Quebec (1-855-852-7784), or 211 for services in other provinces. In the UK, call the Carers UK helpline (0808 808 7777).
What if my parent refuses to let anyone else help?
Start small and familiar. Ask a friend your parent already knows to visit for an hour while you’re in the next room, then while you run an errand, then for a whole afternoon. Describe a day program or a paid carer as help for you rather than for your parent: “It would help me to have someone here on Thursdays.” Give your parent choices where you can, like the day of the week or which person comes. If your parent has dementia and refuses all help, call a dementia helpline for advice on introducing someone new: the Alzheimer’s Association in the US (800-272-3900, 24/7), your local Alzheimer Society in Canada, or the Alzheimer’s Society Dementia Support Line in the UK (0333 150 3456).
What if I’m caring for my husband or wife?
Everything here applies when you care for a husband, wife, or partner, and the guilt can feel sharper, because you live together and nobody takes over at the end of the day. Respite works the same way: a friend for an afternoon, a day program, a paid carer at home, or a short stay in a care home. In the UK, your carer’s assessment is separate from your partner’s own needs assessment. Grown children who live far away can still help by booking the respite, calling the agencies, or paying for a sitter.
What if I feel more than tired?
If you feel hopeless, can’t sleep or eat, or have thoughts of harming yourself, talk to someone today. In the US, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8. In the UK, call Samaritans free on 116 123. For anything less urgent, tell your own doctor how long you’ve been caring and how you’re sleeping. A break helps with being tired. It isn’t a treatment for depression.
